Actually it's from Ohio to Ukraine, back to Ohio, then to China

Monday, November 24, 2008

thoughts from an adoptive mom

Now lately I haven't posted much about some of the deeper things that I think about and struggle with on a daily basis. As you can tell by my title, it about Wesley's adoption...Damon and I have started a birth family search for Wes. Everything good to go (sent money, sent pictures) except that I have not written a letter to the family. I know this is not something that is required, but it is something I want to do. The trouble is - how do you do it? I know how to write and type (obviously), but how do you express so much emotion in a short letter? How do I tell his birth family that we love and care for him as though he has been with us since birth and that we are doing the best to give him a happy and healthy life? I will probably never meet his birth mother in person, but this letter (and pictures we are sending) are something she will have to think of him for the rest of her life.
Maybe I am putting too much thought and pressure into this is just that I can imagine the guilt she must feel about giving her child up for adoption and assuming that no one would adopt him due to the seriousness of his medical condition. Now at this point we do not know for sure why Wesley was available for adoption, but we have been told that it was because of his medical needs. If that is true, it seems wrong that we are able to raise him because we have more money and good medical insurance. No matter the reason, she has to wonder where he is, what he looks like, is he happy, has he been adopted, is he healthy, will he get the needed surgery, etc., and I want to convey to her that he is being well taken care of.
One thing that I don't think is talked about much regarding adoption is the fact that someone experiences pain and guilt so another can experience joy, with the child experiencing both emotions. I don't claim to understand why the process has to work like that, and I will probably never find out in my time on earth. It's just something I think about...
Now I don't want anyone to think that I am guilt-ridden because I adopted a little boy from Ukraine because I am not. I feel a pang of guilt now and then for his birth mother and all she is missing, but there is not a chance that I would ever give him back to her or anyone else!!! I believe that Wesley was meant to be mine and Damon's son from the beginning of time. I don't understand why things happen like they do, but I am glad they have happened like this for us.
Sorry for the rambling post, it's just a few thoughts I wanted to get off my chest. Thanks for reading!!!



MamaPoRuski said...

We too chose to notify the bio family that we had adopted our son, however I was not sure she was feeling any guilt since it is very common for mothers to place children into orphanages because of their medical needs. She will be glad to know he is getting the care he needs. Our letter was not met with any warmth and I was disappointed at the coldness of the reply. (Which was not addressed to us, but the person making the contact). Pray, send what you think they need to know and leave the outcome to God! HUGS!

Christine W said...

(coming out of lurking :-) There is a great yahoogroup out there you might want to join. Birthparentcontact @ - We searched for our daughter's birthfamily and had great success. Once you join there are a ton of dear birthmother letters in the files section that you can work off of. It certainly is the hardest part to get started. THEN IT IS THE WAIT for an answer or at least some info. Good luck! :-)

Tami said...

You're not rambling! You're sharing the same thoughts so many adoptive parents are thinking. We haven't done a birth parent search yet, although we've thought about it. Now that we're done building our family, maybe it is time. The only ones we'll be able to find are for the older three children...which breaks my heart for Maddie.
I would suggest going to Christine's site to search for just the right words. Best wishes for your search. We'll be praying for you...and waiting for the results! ;)

Kathy and Matt said...

I appreciate you sharing your feelings about this process. We have not done a birth family search yet, but it is something that we will do soon.

I think the range of emotions you described are very understandable.

I hope you are able to find out all that you want for sharing with Wesley when he's ready.

adoptedthree said...

Staci I didnt actually write a letter I just wrote down information I wanted to find out. After they found the families they gave me the address. I sadly have still not contacted them.
It is normal to feel wonder for the parents. Finding and then learning of the tragic endings of Nik's and Vitaly's mothers was one of the best investments as I could then close that chapter about who,why etc...

I am more saddened by Oksana's parents that chose not to even identify themselves. What horror must they have felt seeing their "disfigured" child. It is very much a societal tragedy of perfection for Ukraine. I wish I could find them as well to say, look at the beautiful little girl that you didnt want to love or even be identified with.

I would love to hear what you find out from the search.

Conethia and Jim Bob said...

I believe I would be in a similar boat. How would you express your feelings to the adoptive mother? I believe letting her know that he is, indeed, adopted, healthy (realative to his condition), well-loved and cared for would be among the most comforting thoughts.

Best of luck

LisaMarie said...

I think this is a great idea Staci. I'd want to do the same if i was in your shoes. The way I imagine it, not all of these parents are just giving up their kids because they're "deformed". I imagine that some of them just couldn't afford the health care that came along with the disability. So it might give a mother great comfort to know that her little boy was being taken care of and being loved.

Updates on Emelia said...

Staci, I adopted my daughter from Ukraine back in 2005 and I tried to do a search for her birth family but found nothing. I completely relate to the feelings you encountered. And don't worry about needed to speak what was on your heart. Blessings, Stacey

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