decisions - the good, the bad & the ugly

If you are anything like me, making decisions isn't your strong suit. Especially if it's one of those big ol' life-changing ones like marriage, children, where to live, your job. So often I struggle with doubt, even when God has shown me His way and I have followed it.

What I am getting to is my decision to leave my employer. It's been prayed about and discussed between Damon and me for at least 18 months now- you know back when we thought the adoption would happen "any day now," but I digress...

The situation has progressively gotten worse until it was at the point that I would get sick every morning before work from dread. You don't have to be a psychologist to know the toll that will take on a person, and subsequently a family. I had turned into a person that even I didn't like to be around. And you know it's bad when you cannot stand to be around yourself! I was constantly mad. I did a lot of yelling. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about work and the way people were acting there. All around unpleasant person. 

In early June the decision was made for me to quit but no one knew. Due to my contract, I had to give a two month's notice, so in early August I put in my notice. You may be wondering why it's September and I'm done working, but I'm getting there. My Grandma passed away, so I was off work for almost a week. It was in that time that I realized what a different person I was when not worrying about work. Damon and I talked and decided that I needed to just use my accumulated vacation time to finish out my two months, and I did just that.

So Friday, September 14th was my last day in the office, but I did have to go in today to help with payroll, then again next week for a meeting. I was only in the office for about 4.5 hours today, and I left the person I used to be. I realized as I was driving home that I was gripping the steering wheel so tight I was leaving nail marks in my palm, my teeth were clenched together, and I was replaying the day in my head with my blood pressure continually escalating.

I catch myself and started to pray about the anger and resentment inside of me, and I realized that me being able to leave that job is such a blessing in my life. I have time to focus on me, my family and my home. This last week I've been a lot closer to the person I want to be and that is always a good thing.

Now if the stinkin' adoption would move along, I'd really be great ;)